The beauty of internet dating is
you can message multiple people and see what floats. Just found a really interesting profile for a
cute blonde guy called James who lives in South London. He has bullet pointed some amazing things on
his profile that he has done recently including partying with Arab Princes in
Saudi and sky diving. So I break one of
my rules and draft an email to get his attention.
Email sent to : JAMES
Date: April 13 2013 - 23:52
Subject: .
I'm exhausted reading your
profile. Here's some of the things I've been up to recently:
- Watched 53 episodes of West Wing back to back (yes really)
- Put a pizza though the x-ray scanner at the Egypt/Israel border (they didn't bat an eyelid)
- Didn't win the rollover lottery prize draw last Saturday
- Turned on 200 light bulbs individually at a Scottish Castle
- Stood up on a train from King's Cross to said Scottish Castle as all the seats were sold out, very grumpy
- Met my brother at Heathrow for breakfast at 6.20am this morning as he had a stop over and it was my only chance to catch up with him until June
Not quite as hectic but still random. You sound interesting...
- Watched 53 episodes of West Wing back to back (yes really)
- Put a pizza though the x-ray scanner at the Egypt/Israel border (they didn't bat an eyelid)
- Didn't win the rollover lottery prize draw last Saturday
- Turned on 200 light bulbs individually at a Scottish Castle
- Stood up on a train from King's Cross to said Scottish Castle as all the seats were sold out, very grumpy
- Met my brother at Heathrow for breakfast at 6.20am this morning as he had a stop over and it was my only chance to catch up with him until June
Not quite as hectic but still random. You sound interesting...
Believe it or not that’s all
true. I lead a very random life. I wonder if he’ll respond. I don’t have to wait long. We email backwards and forwards a few times
and finally agree to a date. Eeeeeekkkkk.
My first mistake was meeting him
at 4pm on a sunny Sunday afternoon.
Learn from me people. I spent two
hours trying to come up with a “this old thing, just threw it on” outfit and
eventually decided on jeans. We agreed
to meet in my local. My second rooky
error. I can never go back there. With blind dates you have to will yourself to
actually turn up. I walked in at exactly
4 o’clock, I must have looked petrified.
He sprung up to greet me and immediately offered to go to the bar. Excellent.
He asked what I wanted, it was a warm day, we’re by the river, I ask for
a Corona. Two minutes later he bounces
back with a pint of Kronenbourg. How do
you sexily drink a pint? I literally
suck it up and move on.
He tells me I look
petrified. I down some dutch courage and
settle into it. 14 minutes in, and I am
not even joking, I lean across the table to hear him better and he full on
kisses me. What? We’re both too British to acknowledge what
just happened and continue the conversation.
I finish my pint and we switch to red wine. I am now committed until the bottle is
finished, I really want to leave, I am so uncomfortable. He hasn’t stopped talking. He is now telling me about his “two property
strategy”. I have a no property strategy
or rather just no property, there isn’t a strategy here. I’m a renter.
This guy is a tool. At what stage
can I leave?
The bottle is nearly empty, thank
goodness. I excuse myself and go to the
bathroom. When I return there’s another
bottle. Noooooooooo. It’s only 6pm, I can’t say I’m tired and
leave. I feel like I’m being held
hostage. I drink to make it better.
The wine does the trick. I can’t tell you much else about the
evening. I finally escape when the bar
closes at 10.30pm. You do the maths
people, that’s 6 and a half hours, about a thousand bottles of red and no
food. I’m amazed I was conscious. Note to self, never plan a date without
having a get out. Next.
