Tuesday 29 October 2013

Dates 1, 2 and 3 with Adam


The problem with Match.com is if you click on someone’s profile it sends them an email to say you have looked at them.  So when the Saturday coffee date with SMB/Adam arrives I can’t remember what he looks like or anything about his profile and don’t want to click on him as he’ll know.  So I’m sitting in Starbucks hugging a grande skinny hazelnut latte in trepidation.  Ten minutes passes and I can see an emo type, hunched over in the corner who keeps staring at me.  Is that him?  Oh no. 

Just as I am about to go over, Adam arrives.  Oh thank god.  So far, so normal.  The banter is actually good.  Up to this point, a second date has not been in the pipeline, so that’s my aim for today.  Strangely, for a first date, he tells me that he is absolutely broke.  Okay.  We don’t drag it out.  We swap internet date stories; this is quickly becoming my favourite topic.  We finish our coffees and, right there, I ask him on a second date.  He agrees and we put something in the diary for next Tuesday.  I leave.  And breathe.

Is it wrong that I don’t find him remotely attractive?  I tell myself I am being too fastidious.  It’s not about looks.  Tuesday rolls round and I find myself trampling across Wimbledon Common to get to the out of the way Fox and Grapes pub.  It’s still daylight so I’m not too concerned about safety.  Adam is waiting for me with a newspaper and a bottle of red.  Perfect.  I take the time to really look at him.  There is no way he’s 35.  To describe him, I’d say 45 year old taxi driver, sparse hair.  He mentions the fact that he looks older than his years and said on a previous date the girl had asked to see his driving licence.  We laugh at how awful she was.  I really want to see his driving licence.

We get up to leave for the restaurant.  Turns out he hasn’t paid for the bottle.  Knowing his financial situation I stump up the cash to avoid an embarrassing situation and head outside.  It’s pitch black.  I am definitely going to die.

I am now walking across a field in total darkness with a near stranger who has blatantly lied about his age.  I only know his first name.  Oh my god I’m going to be on the news.  We make it to Wimbledon Village without dying and we have a nice Italian dinner.  I pay for dinner.  What’s the protocol on a second date?  Am I going to have to kiss him?  I still really don’t find him attractive, in fact, he’s a bit gross.  I’m a bad person.  I can’t put it off any longer and we head outside to the bus stop.  A 93 pulls up and I’m on it like a car bonnet.  Hoorah for Transport for London.  Saved by the bus.

Stop being so finicky I tell myself on the 15 minute journey home.  He obviously likes me.  Don’t you learn to find people attractive?  He’s got a really nice personality.  *gags

So when he texts me, inviting me over for dinner two nights later, I accept.  The third date.  I haven’t even so much as kissed him on the cheek yet.

I turn up at his apartment in Kingston.  It’s the penthouse of a newly built block of flats with a wrap around terrace facing the river.  “Errrr, I thought you were broke?”  I inquire.  “Oh that’s just something I tell dates so they don’t go after my money”.  Oh.  I am feeling a bit cheesed off adding up how much I have spent on him so far.  Plus I don’t like being lied to.  He makes me take my ballet pumps off, which is awkward as I have a hole in my tights.  Note to self, buy new tights.

He has made lasagne and it’s delicious.  I go to the bathroom and it dawns on me that he might have set up a camera by the toilet.  I think just the fact that I imagined he would do that speaks volumes about my regard for him and how uncomfortable I am finding this date.  I decide to tell him that I don’t want to lead him on any longer and I’d like to just be friends.  That was a fun conversation.  Understandable he kicks me out.  When I get home he has penned a really nasty email which I’m not going to publish.  Oh the drama.  This is supposed to be fun. 

Maybe being picky is not over rated!

It's looking up...


It’s not long before I’m back online.  With my last date not ending well (he literally ran away), my confidence was at an all time low.  I will not be beaten!  I decide to stop being so picky and be more open to new experiences.  I receive an email from Eric:

Email from: Eric

Date: April 25 2013 - 19:49
Subject: Hi
Hi Sam
how are you doing ?
I just moved to the UK 6 months ago for work,
I live and work in WOKING.
Among other things I do, I'm also a racing driver
if you like to see more videos and pictures of you are invite to visit
my racing web site:
http://www.....
I would like to talk to you and meet you, and get to know you
feel free to e-mail me
bye
Eric.

Okay, I’ll stop being picky from the next one.

Email from: ceres

Date: April 25 2013 - 20:25
Subject: Re: ...

Hey how are u how is yr wkend been?yes i donot promot myself so good maybe  i need a manager todo that :)) what do you do for a living and where abouts are you living at the moment?

That one didn’t count.  The next one.

Email from: smb

Date: April 25 2013 - 23:40

Subject: ID'd for posh wine?

Quite right too, if you've been living in a car. Posh wine is only for those who understand and frankly your Starbucks comment only goes to show.... :-)

My boarding school did far more damage to me (and I was a day scholar!), oh and yes I'm interested but I like my surface, leave it alone...

Okay.  We’re on.  He’s clearly read my profile rather than just looked at my picture.  Good start.  He’s mentioned my favourite subject, Starbucks, albeit in a derogatory manner but it still counts.  I find the alpha male put down strangely appealing.  I type a response.


Email sent to: smb
Date: April 26 2013 - 00:27
Subject: Re: ID'd for posh wine?

I think I'm a bit scared of you.  Suspect you are hilariously funny but seriously misunderstood.

Email from: smb

Date: April 26 2013 – 00:34
Subject: Re: Re: ID'd for posh wine?
It's always a fine line between fear and fun - that's why roller coasters are so popular, or is that a bad analogy for relationships....? :-)

I promise I'm surprisingly normal really but more than a little sarcastic! Anyway what do you get up with your free time when your not replying to strange men on match and tell us a funny story about your passed.

Adam

So readers, under normal circumstances the typos would have finished the conversation but I’ve stopped being picky remember?  Most of my humour is based on sarcasm so we have something in common even if we don’t share a love of correct grammar.

Email sent to: smb
Date: April 27 2013 - 22:48
Subject: Re: Re: Re: ID'd for posh wine?
Are you naked in your profile picture?

I am at work all the time.  A couple of weeks ago I decided to stop working late and get a hobby.  Turns out I'm not a hobby person, so I've basically just started watching loads of TV.  I am particularly into vampires at the moment (me and every teenage girl in the northern hemisphere it seems).

If your name is Adam what's smb?

I used to work in an Irish pub and can draw pretty much whatever you like in the top of a Guinness.  Seriously, I have skills.  On St Patrick's day I got fed up with drawing shamrocks so thought I would write my name.  I did the S too big, so decided to just do my initials.  Unfortunately my initials are SM (see user name).  Clearly I didn't think it through before handing over the pint.

So basically have spent my whole life picking up strange men.

Sam

A fond memory of my past (not passed).  On my first night working behind the bar in the Irish pub, I was trying really hard to impress.  I made someone a vodka and orange and put one of those baby Britvic bottled orange juices next to the glass on the bar.  The customer was wearing a khaki hooded parka as was the fashion in the 90’s.  He turned round and the Britvic toppled into his hood.  I was torn.  I decided not to mention it as I wanted my first night to finish with no issues.  The poor man.  I can imagine him putting his hood up on the way home and being doused in fruit juice.  I digress.

Email from: smb

Date: April 27 2013 – 22:51
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: ID'd for posh wine?
I'm wearing shorts but yes it does rather look like I'm naked. Prob not a smart move on my part but I don't have any photos of myself online (it really wasn't something I thought of as a weakness till I started this) so I took a quick snap on my phone - might explain, some of the stranger emails I've received.

Vampires, interesting....... oh and smb well and this is a bit geeky but I'm from Sunderland origionally and as such we're known as Mackams so smb stands for... this is dull, I'm boring myself - google it if you like.

I pleased to say I've never worked behind the bar --- A very long time ago and with a very different body shape I used to work on the door and all the cleaning you guys had to do afterwards just put me off for life. After that I decided that I should prob change direction in life so I got a real job. Hours are a constant bain but I try to balance it - although I don't watch much tv sorry.

Your profile says South London - roughly - where do you live? Ok I give up, I'm clearly being thick but what is wrong with writing
 Sm in a pint? I've been trying to work it out since I started the email...

Adam

Email sent to: smb
Date: April 27 2013 - 22:56
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: ID'd for posh wine?

Why don't you ask your mates what S&M means.

I live in Putney.  Sunderland?  I went to Newcastle uni so I think we should hate each other shouldn't we?  Or is that Middlesbrough?  I forget.

 

Email from: smb

Date: April 28 2013 - 04:01
Subject:
I left "hate" behind a long time ago and my best mate is a Geordie. It's his Birthday today - hence my late night. I grew up in Whitley Bay -  for the record I live in K'ton.

So suppose we forget "hate", how about we just go out instead?.....

Adam

Smooth.  Result.  I was clearly playing it too cool by not responding straight away as I receive a follow up...

Email from: smb

Date: April 29 2013 - 01:29
Subject: Re:

So far I have met a blazing alcoholic, a lady who was very strange with a beard - hold on - before you call me shallow, she was strange first and bearded second?? my third date was pretty cool and I made a new "London friend" which is in itself "cool". I suggest we meet for coffee or something in the middle of the day and laugh at the ridiculousness of internet dating because I don't want to (again) have to part with large amounts of cash to :- first, satisfy your thirst for vodka, or secondly bribe a taxi driver to take you home... mmm internet dating...

Email sent to: smb
Date: April 29 2013 - 19:09
Subject: Re: Re:

Funny.

Coffee in Richmond okay?  It'll have to be a weekend as I can't leave my office during the day.  Spring it on me so I don't have all week to dread it (no offence).

I promise I'll shave first.

To be continued...

Thursday 3 October 2013

Meeting my future husband... or not


Remember TCB?  We started emailing a couple of times a day while he was on a business trip in the US.  The emails got longer and longer and I’m pleased to report his grammar was excellent!  But we couldn’t meet up as he was on the other side of the Atlantic.  So we emailed, and emailed and emailed.

When he finally returned, 10 days later, we arranged to meet LATE one evening after work.  So at 9pm, I headed down to the lively South Bank in London to meet my future husband.  He was sat outside by the river.  In my mind he was perfect.  We had shared so much about ourselves in messages I felt like I truly knew him.  I sat down and gave him a knowing smile.  We’d already picked out the name of our future chocolate Labrador over email.  Hmmm, I don’t remember the balding hair from his profile picture.  He stood up to get our first ever drink together, the first of many I thought.  But wait...  He’d described himself as a little over 6 foot.  It was the reason he could never fly economy he said.  Imagine my surprise when I noticed he was barely taller than me at 5 foot 5.  When dating online you can lie about your job, or your history, but it makes absolutely no sense to lie about your appearance.

He returned after 20 minutes, yes that’s right, 20; I was battling to keep the table from passing revellers.  He got my drink right at least.  Not being too affected by the appearance thing I started the dialogue.  Future husband looked frankly annoyed and gave monosyllabic responses.  At no point did he offer up a topic of discussion or ask me a question.  Nor did he explain why he had been so chatty and interested over email but not in the flesh. 

He quickly finished his drink so I politely offered to go to the bar.  He seemed to think he was doing me the favour by staying for another.  I was half way through my second Corona when he said he had to go as he didn’t want to miss his train.  Erm, okay, this is London and the trains run about every 7 minutes.  I abandoned ship on the drink and hot footed it behind him.  He was using his short little legs with maximum efficiency and I practically had to jog to keep up. 

Then with absolutely no warning whatsoever he started to sprint. 

Those who know me, know I don’t run.  Not since the Putney Bridge incident when I ran to catch the 14 bus, didn’t factor in the incline of the bridge and ended up doing a forward somersault during rush hour traffic with such velocity my French baguette snapped in half.  My second ever internet date and future husband had literally sprinted away from me without so much as a goodbye.  This is not good for my self-esteem.  Just to make an already humiliating experience worse, I caught up with him at the traffic lights by Waterloo.  I slowed right down praying the green man would pop up and he could carry on running into the sunset.  It didn’t and I found myself standing directly behind him.  Never have I felt more awkward.

It was only when I got on my train that I realised the Putney train also stops at Virginia Waters.  I didn’t dare look up in case he was in my carriage.

I would love to have heard his side of the story but funnily enough I never heard from him again and surprisingly I didn’t pursue it.  Would love to hear anybody's thoughts on this.  Back to the drawing board or rather back to the internet...

Email from: n

Date: April 24 2013 - 22:11
Subject: hi
hi sam
how r u doing? U look well :)
Nigel x

Email from: NG

Date: April 24 2013 - 22:21
Subject: Hi
Hey,

Life just isn't fair sometimes

Nicholas

Email from: c

Date: April 24 2013 - 22:25
Subject: hi
I do :)

Email from: jv

Date: April 24 2013 - 22:31
Subject: drinks out?
hey, fancy drinks sometime?

Email from: AS

Date: April 24 2013 - 23:32
Subject: hi
i do love your smile

Email from: FI

Date: April 24 2013 - 23:58
Subject: Answer to your quiz
If the surface is so interesting then I wonder what lies beneath!