Prologue

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."  Unfortunately we all know that’s a load of bollocks. If he’s rich and single in this century then he’s gay.  I work in the fashionable world of buying and am surrounded by the most well groomed, stunningly attractive, chiselled, charming men that London has to offer.  The only thing standing in the way of true love is a missing penis.  Something’s got to change or my Bridget Jones vision of the future, you know the one with the Alsatians, is going to come true.  So that’s how I came to be registering with an internet dating website.  Brave, I know.

My friends have been internet dating for years with mixed results.  I’ve been left behind as I struggled with the stigma.  I always thought I’d meet someone at a friend’s wedding or fall for one of my brother’s friends who suddenly all seem to be married.  When did that happen?  Unfortunately, despite attending a wedding every weekend for the last couple of summers, I’m always on the single girls’ table.  I’m yet to see a single guys’ table at any function.  There was one bachelor at Ed’s wedding.  His name was Paul and he lived in Dundee.  It’s a possibility.  I could relocate.  After the ceremony I got the groom to introduce us.  Not exactly a looker but beggars can’t be choosers etc.  It obviously wasn’t meant to be.  His job, and I’m deadly serious, was watching paint dry.  He had to apply emulsion to different surfaces and record how long it took to dry.  Can you imagine how dull you would have to be to find that satisfying?  I was bored within 18 seconds.  Paul and I were clearly not destined for bigger things.  Next.

We met Laura’s new boyfriend at a BBQ.  “So, how did you two meet?”.  Standard question but they both got a little bit cagey.  Interesting.  Months later they admitted they met through a free internet site.  They have since married and are obviously big believers in the whole ‘make love happen’ revolution.  In fact their happily ever after finally kick started me into action.  It’s easy enough to register, I’m even offered three free trial days to get me started.  If I can find the man of my dreams in three days I can save sixty quid. 

Hundreds of questions later on topics including favourite books, travel hot spots and favourite things I come to the appearance section.  Am I really going to admit to my weight?  Not likely.  Next I have to rate my own attractiveness.  This is a nightmare.  I am relatively attractive if a little bit on the tubby side.  There isn’t a box for tubby so I just leave it blank.  I stick on some photographs so as not to mislead.  I am very photogenic so this is the first thing that I don’t struggle with.  I fill out the ‘what I’m looking for’ section - London guys aged 32 – 38.  Finally I have to write a witty personal ad.  This is going to take hours.  I try to click on my competition but the website is too clever.  I can only look at guys’ profiles...and they’re all the same:

Fun loving bloke, who enjoys wild nights out but equally enjoys a night in with a DVD on the couch, well travelled, likes cooking and spending time in the gym.  Looking for a perfect girl to share the fun times with blah blah.

I try to come across as original, playful, interesting and witty and settle on:

What do you do for fun?

Pub quizzes, drink, shop...

Favourite local hot spots or travel destinations?

The best holidays always include road trips. Luang Prabang was great, Ningaloo Reef, Santa Monica, Chicago, Mackinac Island and London (obviously).

Favourite things?

Picnics, Starbucks, backpacking, my friends, red wine, chocolate, roast dinners, Modern Family, Marmite, anything fluffy and my new KG boots.

What is your favourite book?

The Time Traveller’s Wife and the Sweet Valley High series.

Tell us more about your job

I'm an Assistant Buyer for a department store.

Personal Advert

I thought I would hate to come home after a long day in the office only to log on again but this is so much fun. I'm easy going and fun to be around, seeking someone similar to have a laugh with.

I love living in London and am a real city girl (am I still a girl at 34? I did get ID'd buying posh wine in Sainsbury's the other day so I think I can get away with it!). My friends all find it funny as I can't live without my hair straighteners but I love camping and once lived in a car for 2 months in the Australian Outback.

I'm allergic to all forms of exercise and detest football with a passion and nothing will ever change that.

I love going to far flung places and worked in the US before moving to London 10 years ago. I'm really close to my 3 siblings who all live in different countries so I'm constantly jetting off to visit them.

I don't take life too seriously, I'm very independent and always up for a bit of fun. Well I think I've just about scratched the surface. Interested?

Then I pressed enter and become part of the internet dating revolution.  What happened next was so funny I just had to share it.  Here is my story...