Sunday, 25 May 2014

So this happened...

So this happened. 

Back in March I must have matched with a guy called David.  He sent me a text via Tinder that just read “Hi”.  I have no memory of this.  It was sent at 1am, I may have been on a night out and not noticed it.  Or I may have looked at his profile again and not been interested.

So this morning I get this message “U r so rude- why like me and not respond to my message?”.  I have a WhatsApp conversation group with 4 friends who are also on Tinder.  Whenever we have a date or come across an awful profile we send a screen grab to the group.  It’s very amusing.  It also makes me like more people so that I have good fodder to share with the group.  I suspect this one is going to be worthy of the group, so I reply with “Wow.  Psycho much?”.  Here is the actual conversation that follows:

Him: That’s better
Him: Where u from
Me: London.  I feel like I should congratulate you for your correct use of apostrophe.
Him: Thanks what’s my reward
Me: 2 in a row.  Nice
Him: What u up to
Him: I’m in bed recovering
Me: Recovering?
Him: Hungober
Me: Is that Flemish for hangover?
Him: Yeah lol
Him: How long u had this app for
Me: Erm.  Beginning of the year.
Him: What do u think
Him: Do u have any other social apps
Me: It’s hilarious
Him: Haha
Me: Do you have an issue with the word ‘you’?
Him: Yes u?
Me: No y?
Him: Do you have an issue with the word uea
Him: Ues
Him: Yes
Him: Lol
Me: Only the way you spell it!
Him: Haha
Him: Do u have skype and whatsapp?
Me: Yes
Him: Cool- fancy a chat on there instead ?
Me: What’s the difference? Other than sending photos.
Him: Can send pics and video call
Me: I suspect I won’t want to see the kind of photos you want to send.
Him: Haha and whys that
Me: You were doing so well with the apostrophes.  Never mind.
Him: Oh bugger lol
Him: This app is so slow
Him: Fancy a chat on Skype?
Me: I really don’t
Him: Why not?
Him: U r rude
Me: Maybe.  But you have provided 10 minutes of entertainment for my friends.  Have a good one.
Him: Do they want to see a small penis
Me: Ha ha ha ha.
Him: Message me on whatsapp

What would you have done?  I decided to take one for the team and WhatsApped him:

Me: Purely for my entertainment...
Him: What would u like lol
Him: ?
Me: Surprise me.
Him: R u with ur friends x

Then the photo that followed was of no surprise to anyone. 

Him: Surprise lol
Me: Well you were right about one thing...
Him: Which is?
Me: Small penis
Him: Yeah very
Him: Did ur friends laugh too lol
Him: The camera angle wasn’t the best
Me: Is that the problem here?
Him: Yep
Him: That and it really is small lol
Him: Who r u with at the moment?

And then an even more graphic picture comes through...

Me: Is Tinder just modern day flashing?
Him: Appears that way lol
Him: Have u flashed anyone
Me: Not on social media.
Him: Haha what about for real
Me: I suspect everyone has.  In a fun way, not flasher mac down the playground.
Him: R u alone at the moment or with friends
Me: Does it make a difference?
Him: Yeah – like to know who’s seeing my pics lol
Me: Say hi to B, C and P.
Him: Hi girls
Him: Take a selfie x
Me: B wants to know if you get off on sending naked pics to strangers.
Him: Yeah I do
Him: It’s fun
Him: But only if they enjoy receiving
Him: Do u girls enjoy receiving
Him: Do you have Skype
Me: David, it’s been fun.  Have a great day.



So.  Tinder. 

Totally addictive and hilarious.  I jump on the band wagon.  Living in London my choices are endless so I limit my profile to within 2km.  I upload 5 photos from my Facebook and don’t bother writing a profile.

For those that don’t know, Tinder is a free App that shows your name, age, photos as well as whatever blurb you choose to write.  It also links with your Facebook, showing your friends and pages that you have liked.  I can choose to search men only age 32-39 that are close to me.  If I like someone based on the information above I swipe to the right.  If not, I swipe to the left.  If they have swiped to the right on my profile then we are allowed to message each other.  If they have swiped to the left then no access is given and they are gone forever.  I never learn if they have rejected me, they may have never seen my profile.

Game on.

Let’s start by sharing some of the more delightful profiles I have come across.  These are word for word, typo for typo:

About J: Well here i am finally worked out how to access internet via my mobile , never was any good with technology . As you can see older , balder , fatter but none the wiser . Life could be better , could be alot worse could be a gooner lol . update for 2010 i have found my kitty kat and i’m in love thank you god i am really really REALLY HAPPY. Update for 2011 alone again god your a git...

J’s photo is taken from his wedding album.  Remember that Tinder is relatively new so goodness knows where he has lifted this profile from.  I suspect he doesn’t get a lot of matches.

About P: Enjoy life the best hi would ol the time live present don’t luke future forget passat life to shortly (followed by too many emoticons).

P’s photo shows more muscle than I have ever seen on a man with several protruding veins in a wife beater shirt.

Now, as I am merrily swiping left and right, a new message pops up stating that I have Facebook friends in common with the next guy.  I look closely and recognise N from work who got married last year.  Are you kidding me?  I ponder and decide to swipe right.  We match.  He is playing a dangerous game here.  I message him:

“Er.  Why are you on here?  What happened to the wife?”

He replies with “Hey, wife’s good, found out about Tinder last week through a drunken night with friends!!  Needed an ego boost!!! I’m generally good, work is boring, my son’s amazing!!” 


Let’s move on.  Some of the photos are pretty grim like R’s that shows a man hanging from hooks through his chest.  His profile reads: I like tattoos and piercings.  I like exploring what the body is capable of.  


Then there are the couples on there like “HenryAndNatasha 33”.  Are these people not worried about their friends seeing?!

Swiping, minding my own business and then see my first naked Tinder shot.  It’s full frontal and so unnecessary.  Apparently P is “looking for fun!!”.  I wonder how much success these people have.

About K: The pics are not me, but an American comedian who looks like me (but I have a little more facial hair).. Why?  I’m in a relationship at the moment that I’m not totally sure about, so here for curiosity, chats, flirts to find answers and maybe more – I’m not sure!  I’m a decent guy (mostly) who likes chivalry, social justice and music and I really want a dog!! X

Likes chivalry?  Lacks chivalry more like.  What a dick.

About J: One drink and see how we get on then one day and night in bed.  No questions, just pleasure, champagne and a beautiful hotel room.  Tall, good looking and fun.  Ignorance is bliss. 

Maybe we should hook him up with K and see if he can supply any answers?

About B: Good looking.  Married.  40.  Would like to meet for some enjoyable moments.  Ok.  I just want to meet for sex.  Am i allowed to say that or do i use a euphanism?

I think you’ve just said it B.  Would like to understand why his profile picture is an assortment of baguettes.  Suspect I am too innocent for this one.

About A: Hi, I am an experienced Dom of 10 years.  I am looking for a Sub.  Someone with previous experience.  So please do not be afraid to get on touch even if curious.  However what I do not need are those who just read 50 Shades of Drivel and want to know more.  Also there is a good reason why I have no pics.

Is it because you’re ugly A?  He’s asking them to get in touch even if it’s just for curiosity but then stating not to get in touch if you just want to know more.  I’m so confused.  I kind of want to meet him and question him about it all. 

I’m probably putting you off Tinder but for every profile like those above there are several good ones.  Like N who is chiselled, shirt off, gorgeous.  His profile reads: “kill the small talk im just here for sex”.  I don’t believe the photo is him.

About Y: I’m Jobless, homeless, have a criminal record and an addiction problem.  Other than that I’m a nice guy.  Entrepreneur.

I really want to meet these people!  Does that profile actually get him dates?  I risk swiping right, no match.  Am a bit insulted.

About S: Interested in all sorts, some niche areas of interest:
>Breath Control
>Forced Poppers
>Light Roleplay
>Anything black and shiny!
Drop me a note – love to chat and see if we have anything in common ;)

Guessing not S.  Mummification is certainly niche.

And then there was David...

The last date

I’ve been emailing a guy called “Bboy” from the beginning of my journey.  We mostly just email our bad dates to each other.  He’s really funny.  So I decide to rant:

Email sent to: Bboy1980
Date: June 6 2013 - 23:11
Subject: Re: lost for ideas
Just come back from possibly the worst date yet (I probably sound like I've been on loads of dates but I really haven't).

It was ONE drink which is hardly worth washing my hair for.  Dragged myself all the way to Liverpool Street.  I asked him if he wanted a second drink (my round), he said no.  No?  Really?  Throughout the first drink he barely said a word leaving me to fill the empty silences.

He just text me to say he didn't think there was a spark and we shouldn't take it any further.  I am so insulted.  I feel like I have been dumped!  WTF was that?  What's the protocol after a bad date?  Surely you both just know and leave it at that?  Is a text necessary?


Email from: Bboy1980

Date: June 6 2013 - 23:48
Subject: You didnt change the subject
You're not having much luck with this dating lark are you? One drink sounds like a real waste of time and filling silences is the hardest thing to do. I would normally think that after a bad date you should just leave it, no need for the kick while you're down. Maybe we should meet up tuesday or wednesday and hopefully bring your good date stats up? What do you think?
I'm off to bed now, got to be up at 5. Text me if you're up for meeting.
Hopefully hear from you soon.


He just seems so nice.  I’ve been emailing him for a couple of months but can’t remember anything about him from his profile.  I can’t click on him to see what he looks like as it’ll send him a message.  How bad can it be?  We arrange to meet in the Hoop & Toy pub in South Kensington.  Other than the odd work drink I never go in there so can easily delete it from my pub repertoire.  I arrange an 8pm meet up.  Clever.  Straight from work so don’t have to make too much extra effort.  I grab a bite in Pret before I go in.  I am so pleased with myself, literally checking all the good date boxes here.

Oh.  I walk up to our agreed meeting spot at South Ken tube.  There is a man who must weigh 30 stone.  He is enormously tall with this tiny little head perched on top of wide shoulders.  No neck.  His eyes pop out on stalks when he sees me.  I try not to let the total panic show.  I am not this shallow, I am not this shallow, I am not this shallow.  I totally am.

He is very polite.  He works for an IT helpdesk and lives at home with his parents.  Deal breakers.  But it’s just so nice to be on a date with someone who wants to be there and finds me as funny as I find myself.  I stay for a few drinks which we take it in turns to buy.  I kiss him on the cheek when I leave and tell him I’m going on holiday so he won’t hear from me for a while.  I don’t feel too guilty as he said in an earlier email that if it wasn’t right just walk away, no need to send rejection texts.  This is the first time I have been the equivalent of the dumper though.

I have decided my time with is up.  Is this honestly the best the UK has to offer?  

Themed date

So, my first themed date.  What could go wrong.

After a great weekend with some old friends, I headed home to get ready.  Technically I’m breaking one of the rules by meeting relatively early.  The market is only open during the day so I have no choice. 

I spend an hour, yes that’s right, an hour, doing my hair.  Full face of make up.  Nice summery dress.  I then have to make my way to Liverpool Street which is absolutely miles away.  I get there, go up the escalator and have to squint as the sun is shining.  I scan the pavement.  A boy is walking towards me.  He is wearing grey sweat pants and a baggy green t shirt with nothing printed on it.  Are you freaking kidding me?

I need a drink.  Enid, or whatever his name is, has not made an effort.  Did I mention the hour it took me to do my hair?  We head straight to the market.  It’s quite busy and this guy is so shy, I can’t hear him over the market noise.  We’re wandering up and down, looking at the tat when we come across a wheatgrass stall.  So we’ve established he has never tried baked beans which make up a significant part of my diet.  I ask him if he’s ever tried wheatgrass.  I haven’t either.  I buy two shots and we wander outside, out of the crowd to down them.  He is not enjoying himself.  Suddenly I’m having fun.  He is practically crying now.  I make him eat it.  He is visibly shaking.  I suggest we abandon the market and go to the nearest pub. 

14 seconds later we’re at the bar in the Ten Bells.  Only alcohol can save us now.  The first Bulmers goes down a treat.  I suggest a second and he says, and I quote, “I don’t think so”.  So the shortest date in history is almost at an end.  I have spent longer on my hair than he has on this date.

I get on the tube and start the long journey home.  By the time I get off he has sent a long text explaining all the reasons why we’re not right for each other and I shouldn’t give up hope.  He has said more in the text than he managed at the market.  I’m starting to consider other options...

Not an adventurous eater...

So let’s recap.  What have we learnt?
  • ·         Don’t contact them first
  • ·         Don’t be too picky
  • ·         Be a little bit picky
  • ·         Don’t meet too early
  • ·         Eat before meeting
  • ·         Don’t meet in your local if you ever want to go there again
  • ·         Don’t be disheartened if they run away

Email from: EnglishW

Date: April 26 2013 - 12:50
Subject: Re: Answer to your quiz
Hiya! Why are you on here? A sexy mature women like you must have men falling at her feet?!
Email sent to : EnglishW
Date: April 26 2013 - 19:03
Subject: Re: Re: Answer to your quiz

Mature????  At 34?

Showing your age.  Delete that word from your vocab.

Good luck with your quest.

Email from: EnglishW

Date: April 26 2013 - 23:59
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Answer to your q
WOW, you're uptight!

Cheers to that. 

How rude!  Then I receive this little number:

Email from: chief78

Date: May 31 2013 - 13:36
Subject: grande

Hey sammux,
Nice profile. You have to tell me where to get one of those cups of coffee. I think I'll want one tomorrow morning :-)


My giant Starbucks photo seems to attract allsorts.  I respond with some light banter then panic as I haven’t asked a question, so send a longer email:

Email sent to : chief78
Date: May 31 2013 - 13:38
Subject: Re: grande
It's awesome isn't it?  It's in Xi'An in China, so a little bit far to go for a latte.

Email sent to: chief78
Date: May 31 2013 - 14:48
Subject: Re: Re: grande
Ever ordered a latte after your dessert in Italy?  They look at you like you're mental.  Coffee snobs.

China was amazing.  I would recommend it to anyone.  I went late last year and travelled from Hong Kong up to Beijing mostly by train.  Am now a dab hand at making pot noodle while travelling at 100mph.

Currently stuck in the departures lounge at Edinburgh Airport.  My BA flight has been cancelled and I'm on the standby list of a BMI flight but it doesn't leave until 6:55.  Bit grumpy.  Hooray for WiFi.

Any holidays planned for this year?  Where is the most amazing place you have ever been and why haven't you moved there?


PS - E? - short for?

Email from: chief78

Date: May 31 2013 - 22:29
Subject: Re: Re: Re: grande

I'm an Italy virgin. First time there will be my flatmate's sister's wedding in June. I worked with several Italians on my Phd so I'm aware of the coffee snobbery. I appreciate a bitter Italian espresso but a bulky caffeinated American gallon of muddy water has its place too eh? :-D Where are you on the coffee snobbery spectrum?

Pot noodle at 100mph?! This is one of the first things I look for in a woman.

How are ya stuck in Edinburgh? Hope you get back.

Most interesting place I've been? Is this a filter question? Very difficult! I could tell you the most interesting place I've never been. Hmm... I suppose the most interesting place I've been is Iceland. I don't live there because there's only 250k people and I think that would be difficult. But the fact that everybody's descended from a few Norse, Welsh and Irish fascinates me! How about you?

En_ _

This all sounds very promising...

Email sent to: chief78
Date: May 31 2013 - 23:04
Subject: Enid?
Just making conversation not purposefully questioning you.  Glad you're impressed with my noodle skills.

Caught out by the BA strikes.  Got another BA flight next week, hope they have sorted themselves out by then.

I liked Iceland, the women are unbelievably good looking and the airport is like being in a ski lodge.  Most interesting place.  That's actually really hard.  Pause for 5 minutes... Got it.  Israel/Occupied Palestine.  Little bit political but absolutely fascinating.

I draw the line at instant coffee but will happily drink anything else.

So Phd - Are you a Doctor then?  What did you study?


Email from: chief78

Date: May 31 2013 - 23:39
Subject: Re: Enid?
He he. I can't continue the pot noodles thread. It's one of the things I've never tasted - along with baked beans and porridge (until recently). Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not adventurous. It's just I didn't get round to it and then you think 'it'd be a shame after 30 years to break the run' ya know? What's the most common food you've never tasted? This is obviously critical to our being a match...

Agh. sorry to hear about the strike trouble. Must be a nightmare... Are you still stuck in an airport?

You've been in Palestine? Wow! Is it your buying job that brings you to these places? I love travelling but feel obliged to read the history first. Palestine would take at least 5 years preparation! How did you go there? As a tourist?

Yes I'm a doctor - the research kind. Sorry to disappoint! I could definitely write a paper on something for you but no life saving. My PhD was in Computer Science. I can tell you more but I don't want you to drop into a coma or run a mile. Trust me though, I have high standards of personal hygiene, don't wear many black t-shirts and can relate to females :-)


Email sent to: chief78
Date: June 1 2013 - 00:18
Subject: End of the world as we know it?
Oh my god.  Am flabbergasted.  Can just about cope with you never having tried a pot noodle but just can't deal with the baked beans.  That's too weird.  You need to try it, then you can just get on with your life.  For your first time you need to go Heinz original, maybe with the little sausages, spoil yourself.  Couple of drops of tabasco or mix in some Marmite.  OMG.  Is there any other fact like that you are yet to share?  Fascinating.

I think I have tried pretty much everything from Rice Krispies to bat on a stick (purchased through a bus window in Laos).  Clearly I had pushier parents.  I actually like liver.

Buying only takes me to the States and Germany.  I do like an adventurous holiday.  

Do you have Dr on your credit cards?  I so would.

Thanks for making my airport stay more interesting!


Email from: chief78

Date: June 1 2013 - 21:28
Subject: Re: in Heinz sight
Hey Sam,
Your email made me laugh so much!
'Get on with my life'. Huh. Sometimes the simple life is better. I told ya these things just somehow didn't get done. I'll try beans soon but when I'm ready and with the right person. Thanks for the tips though (apart from Marmite). Jaysus that must be absolutely foul. Yes I've lots more facts like this I could share but you have enough for now. You're clearly struggling with the beans :-)
I like liver! We're compatible! My parents were never so pushy as to make me eat bat on a stick though. I mean it's endangered anyway - probably because of the likes of you. I'll bet you've eaten Dolphin brain mixed with Marmite.

Have you escaped the airport then or do I need to keep emailing you? :-P Tell me a blonde joke.


*you wouldn't be much good at hangman

Enda?  Am flummoxed.  Guessing he’s Irish from the random spelling of Jesus.

Email sent to: chief78
Date: June 1 2013 - 22:42
Subject: Endangered Bat?
Clearly not a Marmite fan.  The bat on a stick was a one time thing.  I thought it was chicken.  I was really hungry.  Even I would struggle with dolphin brain.  Do you watch Glee?  "Dolphins are gay sharks".  I think I ate monkey brain once in Saudi when I was a kid.  I am incredibly gullible though so that might not be true.

I'm off to France next week for my annual family holiday.  My brother has his R&R break at the end of July so we are going to drive round Europe for 2 weeks in his yet to be purchased new car Thelma and Louise style (hopefully without the suicide pact at the end).  Then in September I'm going to India with my best friend.  Which leaves a week or so for last minute holidays.  You doing anything exciting?

My favourite blonde moment ever was when we were camping in Australia.  Instead of blowing out the candles my friend Maccas shook them covering everyone in boiling hot wax.  This is someone who has 5 A's at A Level!


PS yes made it home but annoyingly left my phone charger in Edinburgh.  Grrrr.

Email from: chief78

Date: June 1 2013 - 23:27
Subject: Re: monkey zombie

He he. You mean you thought you were ordering 'wings'. They definitely serve monkey brains in Saudi. Either Saudi or Indiana Jones. I'm not sure which. I remember it disturbing me as a child. Actually baked beans are quite brainy when you think about it...

God you travel plenty! Sounds great. I love getting out of London but it's hard to synchronise with others and travel is more fun with others. I'm a best man in Ireland in 3 weeks and then a wedding in Italy and then I'm driving around the US with friends in September. Banjo country! Can't wait!

Well, it's been good craic emailing you. Maybe you'd like to meet up? I want to take you on a journey. I want to take you to a place of stylish handbags at reasonable prices where smells of exotic foods fill the air and the brownies are so dense they shear instead of crumble. What do you think? Sunday? Or just a drink if you prefer?!

Er okay.  We finally got there. 

Email sent to : chief78
Date: June 2 2013 - 00:36
Subject: Enda (never would have got it)
Sounds suspiciously like where I work.

Guessing Spitalfields?  If yes, that would be great.  Never been.  Which is random as I love stuff like that.  It will have to be late afternoon as I'm supposed to be in Twickenham for the weekend for an Aussie reunion.  Text me and we can work out time, place, red carnations etc.

How's the best man speech going?  That's got to be one of the scariest things you can do.  It's the highlight of the wedding if it's good...

Looking forward to Sunday.


PS Think you have put me off baked beans for a while.

Email from: chief78

Date: June 2 2013 - 22:40
Subject: Re:God it never would have ended

Hi Sam,
How are ya today? I'm just back from salsa. It was a great class but I feel it in my ancient legs!

Curse your brain for guessing my date idea! Is Spitalfields open on Sunday and how late do we meet? I'm thinking it may be dying down after 3... We could always grab a glass of wine somewhere either. I'm' at the Junction but it's fairly lame for drinks. The trouble with alcohol is it makes me funnier and better looking and that might mislead you.

Have a good rest-of-week!


We’re there.  Stay posted and I’ll let you know how it went (clue – not well)...