Tinder

So.  Tinder. 

Totally addictive and hilarious.  I jump on the band wagon.  Living in London my choices are endless so I limit my profile to within 2km.  I upload 5 photos from my Facebook and don’t bother writing a profile.

For those that don’t know, Tinder is a free App that shows your name, age, photos as well as whatever blurb you choose to write.  It also links with your Facebook, showing your friends and pages that you have liked.  I can choose to search men only age 32-39 that are close to me.  If I like someone based on the information above I swipe to the right.  If not, I swipe to the left.  If they have swiped to the right on my profile then we are allowed to message each other.  If they have swiped to the left then no access is given and they are gone forever.  I never learn if they have rejected me, they may have never seen my profile.

Game on.

Let’s start by sharing some of the more delightful profiles I have come across.  These are word for word, typo for typo:

About J: Well here i am finally worked out how to access internet via my mobile , never was any good with technology . As you can see older , balder , fatter but none the wiser . Life could be better , could be alot worse could be a gooner lol . update for 2010 i have found my kitty kat and i’m in love thank you god i am really really REALLY HAPPY. Update for 2011 alone again god your a git...

J’s photo is taken from his wedding album.  Remember that Tinder is relatively new so goodness knows where he has lifted this profile from.  I suspect he doesn’t get a lot of matches.

About P: Enjoy life the best hi would ol the time live present don’t luke future forget passat life to shortly (followed by too many emoticons).

P’s photo shows more muscle than I have ever seen on a man with several protruding veins in a wife beater shirt.

Now, as I am merrily swiping left and right, a new message pops up stating that I have Facebook friends in common with the next guy.  I look closely and recognise N from work who got married last year.  Are you kidding me?  I ponder and decide to swipe right.  We match.  He is playing a dangerous game here.  I message him:

“Er.  Why are you on here?  What happened to the wife?”

He replies with “Hey, wife’s good, found out about Tinder last week through a drunken night with friends!!  Needed an ego boost!!! I’m generally good, work is boring, my son’s amazing!!” 

Speechless.

Let’s move on.  Some of the photos are pretty grim like R’s that shows a man hanging from hooks through his chest.  His profile reads: I like tattoos and piercings.  I like exploring what the body is capable of.  

Crikey.

Then there are the couples on there like “HenryAndNatasha 33”.  Are these people not worried about their friends seeing?!

Swiping, minding my own business and then see my first naked Tinder shot.  It’s full frontal and so unnecessary.  Apparently P is “looking for fun!!”.  I wonder how much success these people have.

About K: The pics are not me, but an American comedian who looks like me (but I have a little more facial hair).. Why?  I’m in a relationship at the moment that I’m not totally sure about, so here for curiosity, chats, flirts to find answers and maybe more – I’m not sure!  I’m a decent guy (mostly) who likes chivalry, social justice and music and I really want a dog!! X

Likes chivalry?  Lacks chivalry more like.  What a dick.

About J: One drink and see how we get on then one day and night in bed.  No questions, just pleasure, champagne and a beautiful hotel room.  Tall, good looking and fun.  Ignorance is bliss. 

Maybe we should hook him up with K and see if he can supply any answers?

About B: Good looking.  Married.  40.  Would like to meet for some enjoyable moments.  Ok.  I just want to meet for sex.  Am i allowed to say that or do i use a euphanism?

I think you’ve just said it B.  Would like to understand why his profile picture is an assortment of baguettes.  Suspect I am too innocent for this one.

About A: Hi, I am an experienced Dom of 10 years.  I am looking for a Sub.  Someone with previous experience.  So please do not be afraid to get on touch even if curious.  However what I do not need are those who just read 50 Shades of Drivel and want to know more.  Also there is a good reason why I have no pics.

Is it because you’re ugly A?  He’s asking them to get in touch even if it’s just for curiosity but then stating not to get in touch if you just want to know more.  I’m so confused.  I kind of want to meet him and question him about it all. 

I’m probably putting you off Tinder but for every profile like those above there are several good ones.  Like N who is chiselled, shirt off, gorgeous.  His profile reads: “kill the small talk im just here for sex”.  I don’t believe the photo is him.

About Y: I’m Jobless, homeless, have a criminal record and an addiction problem.  Other than that I’m a nice guy.  Entrepreneur.

I really want to meet these people!  Does that profile actually get him dates?  I risk swiping right, no match.  Am a bit insulted.

About S: Interested in all sorts, some niche areas of interest:

>Mummification

>Breath Control

>Forced Poppers

>Light Roleplay

>Anything black and shiny!

Drop me a note – love to chat and see if we have anything in common ;)

Guessing not S.  Mummification is certainly niche.

And then there was David...